Have you ever had one of those dreams where a monster is trying to attack you and your voice is trembling and your punch is beyond weak? You keep trying to scream and hit but the monster keeps ascending no matter what.
I recently had a similar dream. Except I woke up because my voice got loud. Real loud.
YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!
I hollered over and over again, until my husband woke me and held me as I sobbed into his warm body.
So who was this imposter mother? Why was I still sobbing ten minutes later?
In my dream I confronted this mystery woman. I listed fact after fact the reasoning behind my meloncholy. How she simply is toxic and harmful to my life. She never shown pride for me. She never had my back. She never will.
The fear I felt in the pit of my stomach as she ascended toward me was blood curdling. Thinking of it now, it still makes me cringe. It was one of the scariest feelings I've ever felt, asleep or otherwise.
Because the monster in my dream IS my mother.
She once longed for me to arrive. Had a clown themed baby-shower to celebrate me. She once nursed me and sang songs to me. I was wanted.
But that nightmare I had is my reality.
She didn't defeat me. I stood up and faced my fear and screamed into it's face with power. With confidence. With pride.
I am not alone in this. I know there are lots of us motherless mothers. Mother's Day is bittersweet. I'm proud of the mother I've become despite the pitfalls I've endured. I'm saddened that the mother I long for is non-existent. She could never mother the way I need. I have learned through counseling that I have grieved for the loss of her, though she is still alive. I've managed my sorrow with meditation and love. I was taught to mother my children how I wish I was mothered and to not only mother them but to mother myself. If my situation rings true for you too, know that you are incredible. You are special. You are loved. You are wanted. I promise.